grief & joy are intertwined

The title pretty much says what I’ve been thinking (and feeling) a lot lately: that grief and joy are very much intertwined.

I recently got a new kitten. She’s all black and so, of course, I named her after the black cat in Animal Crossing named Kiki. She’s brought so much joy already (and also a bit of a learning curve since I got her at about 6 weeks old – she’s now around 8 weeks – and my previous cats I got when they were about 3 months, or 12 weeks, old. Plus, it’s just been a long time since I’ve had a kitten of any age. I’m still very much used to adult cats and so getting such a young kitten has meant learning and re-learning a lot of what it takes to care for a cat this young).

And yet, I simultaneously feel grief too: Snowflake died at age 14 in May of 2020 and Frodo died at age 16 in August of 2022. I grew up with them. I spent the vast majority of my life with them. Several moves, transitioning from elementary to middle school to high school to college, getting my first two jobs, through the unpredictability that comes along with being disabled & chronically ill, etc. – they were there for a significant chunk of my life.

I can’t help but wonder how they’d react to Kiki if they were still here. (They’d probably get tired of her antics very quickly, to be honest.) When I see her do some of the same things they did, I feel joy and grief simultaneously: joy at witnessing these feline quirks again, and grief knowing the two cats I grew up with – who I saw doing these quirks so often – are gone.

For both of them, I absolutely believe that euthanasia was the right choice. It was one of the most painful choices I’ve ever had to make, but sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do. And saying goodbye to a beloved pet in any way (letting them go on their time or choosing to euthanize them) is one of the hardest things we as humans ever do.

It’s been wonderful to have a happy, healthy, playful, sweet kitten again. I’m very much in love and so grateful to have her.

But it’s brought up some unexpected grief, some fresh tears, that I honestly didn’t see coming.

I’ve been wanting to get a cat again for awhile. I knew that Frodo & Snowflake could never be replaced, but having spent nearly all of my life with at least one cat (including another older cat my parents had taken in from my dad’s mom before they even got married and that died around the time I was 6 years old), it was painful to not have any cat at home.

Months after Frodo’s death, I kept having the urge to come out to the living room to see him – and kept reminding myself, over and over, that he’d never again be there for me to greet him.

I miss Frodo and Snowflake dearly. I will always love them deeply. I truly believe I wouldn’t be all of who I am today if I hadn’t grown up with them. They were such special and beloved cats, and I’m immensely thankful for all of the time I had with each of them. They are truly irreplaceable.

The bond I’m forming with Kiki is different. She’s a different cat, so the bond is different. And I still very much love her deeply. Buying her food and toys brings me so much joy. She’s a sweetheart, very playful, very snuggly, super affectionate and loving. I love her so much and I’m grateful beyond words to have her.

I still miss Frodo and Snowflake even more than I realized I did…and yet, if they were still alive, I likely wouldn’t have been able to take Kiki in.

The grief of missing Frodo and Snowflake is so intertwined with the joy of adding Kiki to my life.

I love them, and I love her.

I am experiencing the grief of those two losses all over again as everyday I’m reminded even more that they’re no longer with us now that we have a different cat…and also, everyday, I’m experiencing the joy of a new pet all over again. Kiki is here now, and already it’s hard to imagine life without her. Spending time with her is one of my favorite parts of each day.

I’m sad & happy. I’m grieving & grateful. I’m sorrowful & joyful. All of these feelings can coexist.

If you’re in a place where you’re holding multiple feelings & experiences together at once: welcome to the club. You aren’t alone. It is okay. I hope you feel loved through it all.

And if you only have the capacity for one emotion or experience right now: that is okay too. May you feel loved through it all, too.

Death & life are intertwined; thus, grief & joy are intertwined. One is not bad or wrong while the other is good or right – they’re emotions, experiences; they just are. They are valid and so normal for us humans to live with.

For any loss(es) you may be grieving right now, I do sincerely hope you also have (or soon will have) something to bring you joy, hope, gratitude.